hello blog, it’s me christina….
yes, i know i’ve become a stranger to you. i promise it wasn’t intentional. but then again, i’ve made a lot of broken promises to myself lately. when i started journaling here, i thought of this space as a sanctuary of self-expression, because frankly, keeping all this “self” bottled up is too much for any one heart to handle. writing is the ultimate gift to my soul, because it gives flight to my heart’s whispers and frees the thoughts from the bondage of my mind.
january has crept into my veins with her impassioned eagerness for renovation. until this past year, i’ve always considered myself willing and able to confront the challenges that life presented. on the wings of the recession, flew a little bird and this little bird taught me an invaluable lesson… life can change at a moment’s notice. regardless of how hard we strive to contain our lives within tidy little picket fences… all it takes is one big gust of wind to blow the roof off of our comfort zone and expose us to the chaos of the world around us.
although i have not invited this CHAOS to stay, it has become a permanent fixture in my life… pulling up a big comfy chair and making itself at home. this uninvited guest is making it especially hard to focus on my inner voice, which is so deeply buried beneath the rubble. i’ve tried quieting the voices around me, i’ve tried really listening… gently, patiently, faithfully, to hear my heart’s whispers. but the noise, the chaos and the voices in the periphery… well they make the conversation with my true self so hard to decipher.
i imagine we all come to certain crossroads in our lives… you know that intersection where it’s hard to look back without being deeply saddened by the path in our rearview, but it’s even harder to move forward because we don’t understand how to navigate the twists and turns in the horizon. so what does one do when all that lies before them is wide-open spaces?
i feel the wind of change like a soft breeze on the back of my neck… i know it is coming. i keep looking for answers, thinking that if i have them, i can force the direction of the wind. but the wide-open spaces make my heart palpitate… faster… faster, until i feel like i cannot breathe. i happen to like the picket fence i’ve built around my life.
but this life is bigger than me. as much as i’d like to think i’m the architect of my future, there is only so much i can control and it starts with listening to that inner voice and being the person i’m called to be. all too often, we’re so busy “doing” that we forget about “being”. this has been so true of the last ten years of my life. i’ve been so focused on planning, working, supporting, striving, pushing through the barriers. and yet, i still find myself just wandering through the motions of my life so aimlessly, that it feels as though time is just pouring through a sieve. i’m not living in the moment or focusing on the here and now.
so, with the guidance of my favorite poet (monique duval), i am embarking on a new journey. it begins with a big wide-open space… and a very deep breath…